Saturday, June 1, 2013

Fear and who I want to be...

I speak at a church tomorrow. If you know me, you know there are a few things I'm completely terrified of and tomorrow happens to include one of them. Speaking in public (by the way, the others include deep water that you can't see the bottom of, spiders, and of course failure because I knew you really wanted to know). Speaking in public terrifies me. My heart pounds, my legs shake, my voice gets all weird sounding. I'm terrified of it, completely horror-stricken. So why did I say yes? I'm still not sure really. While we were in Peru, speaking in front of others came so naturally. Yes, they didn't speak the same language, but some did. But I was okay with it. I think it's because I'm so scared I'll mess up and be judged. And in the meantime, I will let you know if I survive tomorrow.

Something that has really been on my mind is the kind of person I long to be. I wrote in my journal:

"I want to be awestruck by beauty. Swept into an incredible story.
Be able to find whimsy in everyday life.
Be so caught up with Jesus that every part of me is focused on Him.
I want to be passionate for God.
I want to have a passion to love and help other people.
I want to believe the very best about a person and to have hope rule in my heart.
I want so desperately to be that person in love with Jesus.
To have my life marked by whimsy.
To be an optimist, hoper of far-flung hopes, dreamer of improbable dreams."

There's a tip of the hat to doctor who in there, extra points if you can find it.

However, a little more in depth. Swept into an incredible story. When I read Bible passages sometimes I get a glimpse of this story. When I read certain books, I catch it there too. It's this longing, for something more. Something beautiful. And it's also a reminder I'm not home yet. But it's a longing and yet a reminder at the same time that there's more than the everyday wear and tear of life. There is real life one day.

My references to whimsy are from the book "Love Does" by Bob Goff.  An ability to look past the mundane and see beauty in life. To smile. To laugh. (By the way everyone should read this book).

But over everything, I want to have a love and a passion for Jesus that outshines every other part of my life. I want it to seep through everything I do. I want to be on fire.

This is a bit of who I want to be....

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